Loneliness despite TV

I am trying to decide why I'm lonely.

I happen to be alone at the moment, except for my two kitties (Sabrina and Punkin, best kitties ever). That doesn't seem to be a good enough reason. Even the TV is harping on themes of loneliness.

I am married, by the way. Happily. Delightedly. Ridiculously. Disgustingly. But the amazing, wonderful and frightening thing about loneliness is... it doesn't matter. Loneliness exists despite your family and friends. Despite someone loving you even though... well, just about everything. Despite your TV. I think it's at once illuminating and debilitating.

I've always envied my sister's ability and sheer enjoyment of being alone. I've never been good at it. It makes me nervous... I think I should call someone just to chat, or I watch TV (with the ever-familiar faces, since they never do anything new), or I read and lose myself in a book. And yet... and yet. I dislike being with people constantly. I want to be off by myself, doing my own thing, and I dislike feeling like I must talk to someone else, be concerned with someone else... But if I do it for too long - and sometimes, an evening is too long - I get anxious. I wonder if Loverboy is ever coming home, and I am terribly huggy when he gets there. (I plan to be extra huggy tonight.) Sometimes, it's too lonely even if he's in the next room, getting some of his own much-needed alone time. I just want to hear his voice, or get a hug. Sometimes, I'm lonely even when he is hugging me. It's not that he's not giving enough, it's that there's too much. And here's an odd one... I feel guilty for feeling lonely, knowing that I shouldn't be.

I am always fascinated by the studies about how babies (humans? monkeys? I'm not sure) grow healthier if they have human touch and affection throughout infancy. The babies who are not given physical touch are sickly, skinnier, fussier, despite all other factors being equal. I don't think we ever grow out of that. Clearly, people have developed into beings that need other people. Clearly, the TV is not enough.